Icarus Reborn
by starisbe348
Summary: After his father's passing, Will Riker must journey back to Earth. But a stay on DS9 does more harm than good.


There was something not quite right that morning. Usually, mornings for Will Riker were fast paced, bustling figures darting around him, never sitting still, his seat digging uncomfortably into his back. Deanna would accompany him midday to Ten Forward, where she'd eat something sweet, sugary and he something plain and 'boring'. He had to get back to the bridge, they both did, but she always acted as if she had all the time in the world. In a way, he hated it, because he was punctual to a fault, but he remembered it being one his favourite things about her when they were together. She made him feel as if he was the only thing that mattered, as if moments together transcended time itself.

Now they were no longer together, things had changed, a wall had been built between them. His hand sometimes itched to snake its way into hers from across the table, or to peck her lightly on the cheek before he left. It was hard to refrain, sometimes.

But that morning was different: It was slow, and when Deanna turned to him at midday, she didn't smile. She stared at him, her face unreadable. He had always envied her ability to read emotions, it gave her an unfair advantage. She knew too much, there was no keeping anything from her.

'What's wrong?' Will reached over, almost touching her hand before she pulled it away from him slowly.

'Nothing,' she started to fuss with her sleeve. 'I just know you're going to ask me to have lunch with you, and I know I have to disappoint you.'

'Do you have a meeting?'

This was a ritual, a sacred one. Will could eat with someone else, he supposed. He wouldn't even mind sitting alone, he liked the quiet. But he didn't want to this routine to change. Routine got you up early, to your post, it made you work hard, it wasn't something to simply throw away.

'Yes. Well, no. A personal meeting, you could say.'

_Ah._ Will knew instantly what she was referring to. A date. One of the ambassadors of Cerallion 9 sprung instantly to mind. He was young, reasonably attractive you could say, and had been hanging around Deanna rather a lot recently. For once, he seemed to know what she meant without her speaking.

'I see. It's fine, you go.'

'You don't mind?'

'Deanna, it's just lunch.'

Deanna smiled, the warmth spreading to her eyes, eyes that William could gaze into and forget where he was. They were black holes, and he was falling through them again and again.

When Picard gave them the nod, their cue to leave, Deanna rushed off before Will could follow. She ran a hand through her hand and adjusted her uniform, preening herself for the ambassador, presumably. Will chewed the insides of his cheek, not realising how long he stood watching the doors until a hand touched his shoulder.

'I'd like to meet you in fifteen minutes in my reading room, if that's alright Number One.' The voice of Captain Picard was smooth in his ear, his tone suggesting he'd seen, and understood, too much of the exchange between him and Deanna.

'Aye, Captain.' Will's own voice was stoic, hard.

Will knocked on the door, having quickly scoffed down lunch in his quarters, hesitant to run into people and become distracted in Ten Forward. The Captain ushered him inside with a short 'Come in.' Will had been expecting him to have just put down a book, but instead he sat very still with his hands folded neatly in front of him on the table.

'I'm afraid I have to be the bearer of very unfortunate news today, Will.' It wasn't often Picard used his first name, but given the context, it could have only been to soften the oncoming blow. Will braced himself, not quite sure what to expect. He ran through all the possible mistakes he could have made recently in his head. Surely, he was being transferred, or demoted. What would be worse? Never seeing Deanna, or a harsh blow to his career? It was his career in the first place that had driven them apart.

'Have I done something wrong, Captain?'

'No, of course not. That's not the case at all.' Picard smiled at him, looking at him in a way which made Will uncomfortable. Pity. He hated it, it made him feel weak.

'Then what is it?' He was anxious now, impatient. His nails dug into the soft flesh of his hands as he made fists. Picard's voice was soft.

'It's your father, Will. He's…dead.'

Will felt the skin of his hands tear and bleed as his nails ripped the skin. His father was an obscure sort of object to him, both incredibly distant yet always close in his thoughts. The kind of man his father was simultaneously inspired but disgusted him. His death was confusing, as Will would be expected to mourn, but inside him, somewhere, was relief; no more forced, brief visits, with scarce conversation or evident one-upping.

'Will?' I'm dreadfully sorry.'

'How did it happen?'

Will knew his father wasn't ill, he would've told him. This was an accident of some sort, or worse, it was purposeful. He was high ranking, a target,

'He passed in his sleep. It's believed he suffered from an undetected illness. He may have experienced some symptoms beforehand, but he didn't seek help. He was down on Turgura, not far from here.'

'Right.' Will nodded. 'What about the funeral arrangements? I suspect he'd want to be back on Earth, with my mother.' He thought of his childhood in Alaska, and the grave at the very edge of the wood surrounding their home-his mother's final resting place.

'His body is being transported there after all the necessary checks. They want to try and pinpoint his cause of death first. However, I suggest it would be wise to start preparing for travel soon.'

'Travel?'

'Yes, I assumed you'd want to attend the burial. Don't worry about time off, Will, take as much time as you need, I understand.'

'I don't need any more time off than the journey there and back. I'll take a shuttle to the next space station then try and find my way there, it should only take a couple of weeks.'

'Are you sure? I know we're lucky to be quite close, but I really don't want to rush you, Will. Time off is necessary.'

'Work will take my mind off things.'

'Maybe you should discuss this with Counsellor Troi first.'

Will's stomach dropped. Seeing her would only make things worse. Six years ago, his father had told him to 'marry that girl'. But he never did.

'I will, thank you Captain.'

He rose to leave, Picard giving him a solemn nod as he left.

Two weeks later, Will was in a shuttle, midway through the Orion region, an area that was famed for crashes and other commotions. Will could've sworn a few hours ago that he saw a Romulan ship uncloak and speed off into the distance. He was almost certain, in fact, but the lack of sleep did make him wonder. He'd stayed up for almost twenty-four hours twice in a week. It was a poor decision, he knew, and arguably dangerous, but sleep refused to come. Tiredness came in waves, but always at the wrong time. There would be a rogue asteroid he had to manoeuvre around, or a check in call from Deanna. She hadn't left him alone.

'I'm certain your counselling duties extend solely to the parameters of the Enterprise, Deanna,' Will had said to her that morning. She had called in to see if he had slept well. As soon as the video came on, she shook her head. It was showing.

'My duty to you as a friend counts as well. I'm concerned, Will, so is the Captain.'

'The Captain?' Why did she have to bring Picard into this? He was off duty.

'Yes, the Captain, Will. He knew you weren't well the minute he told you about your father. You refused to speak to anyone, even me.'

'I'm in mourning, Deanna.' Will reminded her. She narrowed her eyes.

'Will, I know your relationship with your father was strained at best. There's something else. You're using this opportunity as an excuse to completely fall apart. It's ok to mourn, it's healthy, but the Will I know is not self-destructive, in mourning or otherwise.'

Will rolled his eyes, forgetting she could see him just as well as if she was sat in front of him. He ran a hand through his unkept beard, wondering when the itch would stop and she would go away. He had never wanted her to leave before, her presence always being a blessing, but the thought of her having some sort of 'free reign' with the ambassador now he was gone made him feel ill.

'You're over-analysing the situation. You don't know what it's like out here, it's hard to sleep.'

'You have auto-pilot, Will.'

The conversation continued as such for ten more minutes. Will's beard, still not feeling fully itched, continued to annoy him. Shaving it off, however, was not an option; it had become a source of comfort for him for years now, making his 'baby face' somehow age twenty years. Plus, authority came easy with it.

That night, he knew he wouldn't sleep. Deanna's hair had looked suspiciously untidy when she called, as if she'd just got out of bed. Maybe she was there with _him_. Will was going insane. He wasn't in love with her anymore, he was sure of that. It had ended years ago, he'd moved on, even been with other women. But every so often when a new _him _appeared, it would come back, in a way. Will saw what he had lost and hated himself for it.

He lay in bed for hours, thinking of what he considered the best times of his life, with her. Somehow, the thoughts drew him further back, to years before he had met her, when he hadn't even left Earth, to Alaska. His father chopping up wood for the fire, always in full view of the neighbours. His mother would cook everything by hand, even though they had replicators then. There was some idealism, he knew, because he also remembered feeling incredibly uncomfortable down on Earth. Staring up at the stars, as stereotypical as it was, was his favourite hobby. It was different when you knew each star in the sky was a world entirely different from his own, full of life left to discover.

After a while, he knew sleep was not going to come. In fact, he knew it was impossible, so he got up, turned off autopilot, and took control of the shuttle. His two day long stay at Deep Space Nine would be insufferable; he hated not being in control of the vessel he was on, in any way. His only 'job' as such to was sit, walk around, and wait for a shuttle to arrive for him. Now at least he was in control, although it hardly felt like it when his head, betraying him, would conjure images of Deanna at alarming pace. There was no other woman he would ever know in such impenetrable depth, he was sure of it.

Eventually, the lights of the computer began to flicker, Will felt his finger start to slide off the buttons. His head was nodding, just like it always did after double duty. At least then all he had to do was slide under the covers of his bed and let sleep take him. He would dim the lights just slightly, filling his quarters with a soft yellow glow. When he woke, the lights welcomed him and he could pretend he was waking up to another day on Risa, or Betazed and not the lonely confines of endless space.


End file.
